Testimony — Sheri Anderson

Sheri Anderson grew up in Powder Springs, GA and graduated from Meachern High School in 1990. She went on to attend Georgia State University and graduated with a Bachelor of Science degree in Microbiology with a minor in Chemistry. For the past twenty years, she has battled drug and alcohol addiction resulting in over fifteen arrests and two terms in a maximum security prison. At her lowest, she became an IV heroin user with five felony convictions.

Fortunately, Sheri's story does not end there. She is currently the Director of Women's Housing at Good Landing Recovery, the treatment center she herself graduated from in January 2020. Sheri will be celebrating two years sober August 15 of this year and hopes her life experiences and encounter with Jesus will resurrect hope in the lives of other addicts and their families.

The Importance of Aftercare — Laura Pugsley

Laura Pugsley is the director of outpatient services at Foundations Recovery in Midtown and Talbott Dunwoody.

Learn about the importance of individual and family therapy post treatment and will give suggestions for all ages. Aftercare is really the most important part of a long term successful recovery for the patient and family.

Bio

1. Director of Outpatient Services Foundations Roswell 9/2013-12/2020

2. Director of Outpatient Services Foundations Midtown 6/2019 to present

3. Director of Outpatient Services Talbott Dunwoody 11/2020 to present

Laura Pugsley joined the Foundations Recovery Network team in April 2012 and brought with her nearly two decades of experience working in the social services field. Originally from Toronto, Canada, Laura relocated to the US and graduated from the University of Georgia with a BA in psychology, earning a master’s degree in professional counseling from Georgia State University. Prior to joining Foundations Atlanta, Laura worked at St. Jude’s Recovery Center for 14 years, spending five of those years as a clinical program manager. Her broad experience covered nearly every sector of the organization, including roles as case manager, health services coordinator, program coordinator and detox program clinical manager.

Laura has a passion for working closely with the alumni and continues to provide clinical care for Alumni of both Foundations and Talbott Outpatient Programs through weekly Alumni Groups. Specializing in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy skills, she also has extensive experience in providing direct services, leadership and supervision to treatment teams in a variety of substance abuse and mental health disciplines. Laura has obtained her CPCS, Certified Professional Clinical Supervisor, which allows her to provide clinical supervision to license eligible clinical staff at Foundations Midtown.  Having worked in both non-profit and for-profit sectors, she brings a unique perspective to her work at Foundations Atlanta.

Laura continues to oversee the outpatient programs offered by Foundations which includes Foundations Midtown and Talbott Dunwoody in the capacity of Director of Outpatient Servi sces.

Testimony — Jeff Baucom

Jeff Baucom…

• Went to Pope High school graduated in 2004

• Grew up playing East Cobb travel baseball/didn’t make high school team freshman year

• Addicted to Opiates & Marijuana from 15-26

• Sober for almost 8 years

• Became Christian around almost same time as my sobriety date

• Started Agape Dec. 2017

• Married April 11th 2019

• Opened Women’s Program in Oct 2020

• Currently serve roughly 40 men and women in early recovery

• CACI – Certified Addiction Counselor Level I

 Jeff grew up in East Cobb. He started playing baseball at a young age and went on to play East Cobb travel baseball. He played competitively until high school where he did not make the team freshman year. Because of this loss of identity among other factors he turned to drugs to help him cope and “fit in”. His addiction progressed through high school and into college eventually progressing to opiate addiction and heroine. He spent much of his time after high school spiraling deeper into his addiction and the “party” lifestyle which contributed to several drug and alcohol related arrest. Jeff came to a point in which he was extremely hopeless to the point of not desiring to live. But he had an encounter with God crying out to Him to help for help. He spent the next several years building a foundation with Jesus and healing from his life of addiction through the help of others. After several years of sobriety, he started Agape Recovery House to give back and serve those who needed a safe, sober, accountable, and honest environment in which they could begin or continue to work towards building a solid foundation for their recovery. Over time the program has grown to serve women as well as men and serves roughly forty person’s total. Jeff is now an addiction counselor and has a renewed hope and purpose of the goodness and redemptive work of God in his life and others. Jeff’s greatest pleasure in life is seeing people began to connect to God and come alive to the amazing life that He always had planned for them!

Testimony — Matthew Euler

Matthew Euler is a healed and delivered disciple of Christ.   He was once under the burden of the evil one through drugs and alcohol but praise His name, Jesus has set him free.  He is married to Kinser Euler and has 3 children, Ages 2, 3, and 13 and lives in Canton, Ga.

         Matthew works at Eco-Tech where he is an engineer and design chemical feed systems for water and wastewater treatment.  His wife is a real estate agent.  While these vocations pay the bills, their real work is done in the Kingdom.  Matthew is the Mission Pastor for His House Mission where they focus on the transitional homeless, and share the love of Christ.

Matthew grew up in a “normal” home in Rome Ga.  He has parents who loved him was given every opportunity to succeed.  Growing up he was involved in his church, youth groups and other Christian activities.  Unfortunately, they were just that, activities.  There was no real-life change, there was no surrender.

 As Matthew grew up and went out on his own, he had no foundation of faith in Christ to rely on.  This allowed him to fall into many different traps of the world.  Before long he was addicted to drugs, alcohol and many other pleasures the world had to offer.  More specifically he was addicted to sin.

All Glory and Honor to Christ, he has been set free. He is no longer a slave to sin.  He is a child of God.  Matthew’s story is not a success story, it is a testimony of the goodness and faithfulness of Christ Jesus.

Good Landing Recovery — Trey Lewis

Founder and CEO of Good Landing Recovery

Trey Lewis, served as an active duty member of the United States Air Force and attended Mercer University, where he received his Bachelor of Science degree in Public Safety Leadership.

Trey knows firsthand how dangerous and deceitful a life controlled by drugs and alcohol can be. He was delivered from addiction in 2005 and was immediately filled with a passionate calling to tell everyone about the transforming power and love that is found only in Christ. It was in his first year of law school that Trey realized God was setting him on a path to fulfill a dream in his heart to open an inpatient residential treatment facility that will transform the lives of men who are hurting and lost to their addiction to drugs and alcohol.

A gifted communicator, Trey has traveled the country while preaching the gospel, leading outreach initiatives, and inspiring thousands of people across America through strategic leadership conferences. He and his wife, Holly, live in Atlanta, Georgia with their five children, Cannon, Beau, Arrow Rose, Pearce, and Cross.

While Trey is aware that there are many options available to those who struggle with addiction, he recognizes that many of them do not provide the necessary tools and dependency on Christ to bring about real and lasting transformation in people’s lives. His commitment and passion is ensuring that Good Landing is the best program in the nation for addicts to get clean and be restored to a life filled with purpose.

When is it Time to Stop Parenting and Start Supporting — Bill Anderson

Bill Anderson, MSW, LCSW

MARR (Metro Atlanta Recovery Residences) has worked with thousands of families that struggle with Substance Abuse disorders over the years. T

“We continue to empower and educate individuals whose loved ones are not ready to change. In our experience, sometimes getting the family healthier can have a positive impact. Come learn more about enabling, boundaries and how to help with problematic behaviors.”

About Bill Anderson

Bill has over 23 years of experience in behavioral health, beginning at an emergency shelter for teenagers and an acute day treatment program for mental health. He was previously at MARR for 15 years, during which he served as a case manager, primary counselor, Director of Admissions, and eventually as our Director of Business Development. Bill then moved on to serve as Chief Executive Officer for both Blue Ridge Mountain Recovery Center and Sierra Tucson. Most recently, Bill was the Chief Executive Officer of Lakeview Behavioral Health. Bill believes deeply in MARR’s mission and treatment model, and he is committed to leading us as we continue to navigate an increasingly complex treatment field.

Let's Talk About Depression — Dr. Steven Lee

Dr. Lee will talk about the different forms of depression, explaining when medication is necessary and when it is not.  He will also address the biological basis of the disease of addiction.

Dr. Lee is the Medical Program Director of Outpatient Services at Ridgeview Hospital in Smyrna, GA.  He has been in practice as a psychiatrist and addictionologist for 38 years.  He is part of the Clinical Faculty at Emory University School of Medicine and also the father of two grown children and two grandchildren.

Dr. Steven Lee

The Risks of Legalized Marijuana for Teens and Young Adults — Doreen Barr and Gregg Reduka

The recording cut off during Dr. Gregg’s talk, so we will only include the audio of Doreen’s talk. However, we have made Dr. Gregg’s slide deck available:

PDF of Slide Deck

Marijuana and THC: Is legal recreational pot coming to Georgia? What are the Risks for Teens and Young Adults?

Presenters will be Dr. Gregg Raduka and Doreen Barr from Let’s Get Clear Georgia, a non-profit collaborative preventing marijuana abuse and addiction through advocacy and education. They will also speak to what parents can do now prevent legal, recreational pot from coming to Georgia. They will also speak about the many risks teens and young adults expose themselves to through marijuana use such as addiction, traffic accidents, suicide, and for expecting mothers-still birth and premature birth. They will also address how to prevent such risks.

Doreen Barr is a board member of Let’s Get Clear Georgia. In 2015 Doreen lost her son, Ryan, to fentanyl, which had been preceded by marijuana use. Her new mission is drug education and awareness through her non-profit foundation, “In Ryan’s Name, Inc.” She is also a member of Moms Strong and serves as the Rx Drug Team committee chair with Drug Free Fayette. Doreen was invited by GA Attorney General Chris Carr to serve on the State Opioid Task Force.

Gregg Raduka, Ph.D., LPC, ICPS, is the Executive Director and CEO of Let’s Get Clear Georgia. Dr. Raduka helped to design and implement the first Adolescent Chemical Dependency Treatment Program at Ridgeview Institute in Cobb County.  The evidence-based prevention programs he has designed and implemented have served tens of thousands of Georgia’s families, children, youth and adults since 1987. He received his Ph.D. in Human Development from the University of Maryland’s Institute for Child Study and is a Licensed Professional Counselor and an Internationally Certified Prevention Specialist.  He has closely followed Georgia’s marijuana legislation since 2014 and has been a leader in advocating for the protection of all of Georgia’s children and adults from marijuana and other drug abuse.

Addressing Trauma As A Step Toward Long-Term Healing — Jeff Holloway

Jeff Holloway

Most often people are assessed by observable behaviors, whether they are children or adults. In many instances onlookers begin forming opinions of these people based on these behaviors and forget to place these behaviors in context to events that have shaped these behaviors. Trauma is much like and undiagnosed infection, we see the negative affects and symptoms but this does not tell us about the underlying illness. Untreated trauma remains in a person’s system, and while it can appear dormant at times it inevitably will become activated and we again will see the negative symptoms.

In addressing the trauma at its root cause we can help in building resiliency by removing the underlying illness which in turn removes the observable symptoms/behaviors. Trauma-based therapies address these underlying issues and help the individual return to healthier pattern of interactions and self-esteem. As with many medical illnesses, addressing the primary issue of trauma allows the professionals to then determine other co-occurring concerns and address those in a healthier and safer means.

This conversation will look at how trauma manifests in individuals and how to safely address these issues so that long-term treatment regarding secondary concerns such as depression, anxiety, and substance abuse.

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About Jeff Holloway

Jeff found his love for working with adolescents while tutoring under-privileged children as an undergraduate, and this experience influenced his decision to major in social work. Jeff earned his bachelor’s degree in social work from the University of South Dakota, and then his Master’s in Social Work at the University of Iowa. For the next decade, Jeff specialized in working with childhood trauma in a variety of treatment settings, including residential treatment, in-home services, foster care, and outpatient therapy. In 2002, Jeff relocated with his family from Iowa to Georgia, where he worked in administrative roles at a therapeutic boarding school, a wilderness program and a boarding school specializing in learning disabilities, further honing his expertise in working with adolescents and with complex family systems. His desire to help families find the right treatment options for their children led him to educational and therapeutic consulting, where he helped to facilitate hundreds of therapeutic placements.

Of joining the First Light Wilderness team, Jeff stated, “Having the opportunity to join the family of New Vision Wilderness programs and to return to working directly with children and families refuels the fire that was started over 20 years ago when I discovered how powerfully healing working in nature with a group of kids could be. I am so excited to work with this incredible team of professionals to provide healing, growth and service to families at First Light. “ Jeff has lived in North Georgia since 2002 with his wife, Debi, and their three college-aged children. When not working, Jeff enjoys golfing, practicing martial arts, and driving through the mountains on his Harley. 

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Notes

Trauma is like a virus. When we see substance abuse and angry children, this anger are symptoms. I work with a 78 year old client who is still dealing with the trauma she experienced as a child. The right program is whatever works for you. 

When working with a trauma, the piece that's deep inside is what we want get some resolution for. This is hard work because we are talking about things that are painful. The underlying cause will keep coming out. 

Some times there are traumatic memories buried in your brain that you don't even recognize on a conscious level that can "flip your lid" and cause you to want to fight or flight or feeds into anxiety or depression.

• Episodic trauma are large events that you can point to like abusive experiences, violent experiences, major accidents, etc.

• Systemic trauma are lots of smaller events. For example, a bully in school who picks on you every day for one or two years.  

Most people with addiction have this underlying trauma. They never worked through this, went for treatment, or had someone in their life to hug them. The smoking, drinking, or shooting up of a substance makes the pain go away. It's a coping skill. Addicts say that they are self-medicating. That's an excuse to justify it.

Have you read the book The Body Keeps the Score . Even if you experienced a traumatic experience before the age of 3 that you can't even remember, your body doesn't forget. 

The key part of working with trauma or almost anyone is asking "Why are you having these reactions? What is going on here? Let's talk about that." When I do training with staff and working with adolescence, I get them to watch and know the kids. Know what their baseline level is. Little things can build and escalate upon other little things. Ask them what's going on? The old philosophy of "don't poke the bear" isn't good enough. You need to help the bear. If you ignore it they'll keep escalating. Sometimes the part of the brain that sees consequences is not developed. They don't see that they are about to escalate. So talk to them. "How are you feeling? What's going on? Tell me about it." If you get into the "Knock it off. Stop that." commands without getting to the root issue, then you're not being therapeutic. Help them before it escalates. Deal with it the first time you see that they're in a bad mood.  

This is easier to work with at a young age. If it's not dealt with when they’re 18 or 40, then it will not get better. It will get worse. They become hardwired. It's all they know. People do negative behavior because it does help some. For example, people panhandle because it works. 

Mom gets beat up the most because they know they have unconditional love. The best day to get treatment is today. Don't talk about how you should've or could've. You cannot go backward. 

Some people say that they are not ready to send their child to treatment when they're young. Because you don't want to poke the bear. Maybe mom has some systemic trauma for how the child has treated you. Maybe they are scared to suggest it or to take away the phone or the car keys, then I have to help them develop plan B. Visualize what life will be like with a 40 year old living in your basement smoking pot and watching the internet. If you do nothing, nothing is going to change. The answer for a young adult is to say, "Go to treatment or get out of my house." Typically, you can crash at a friends house for a week before you have to find someone else's couch. Turning off their phone or taking the car keys is an effective step. If the addict you're concerned about is an elderly parent, then the motivator might be taking away access to grandkids. Telling her, "You're not safe. You're not healthy." Their motivation to change has to be greater than their motivation to not change. They’re feeling like it's too scary to change. Why try life because I might fail at it. This is a family issue. You want your kids to be happy and healthy. But sometimes you can't control that 20-something, and it's hurting your health and happiness. Your mom wants you to be healthy and happy. Remember that they have to feel a bit of pain or they won't change. 

What if it is a mental health issue? You have to assess their history to see if there's been trauma. Are there things that have occurred way earlier on in life. If anxiety and depression are caused by historical trauma, then that can't be fixed by medicine. What is that underlying piece that we need to work on? The trauma can be physical or non-physical. It can be a bully threatening you or an absentee dad. Emotions created from trauma are fear, anger, abandonment, sadness. That trauma needs to be worked on even if their 20s. After you have given them whatever tools they possibly might need, then it's time for treatment with a therapist.

Today COVID is causing isolation. Suicide is at an all-time high. Depression and anxiety is at an all-time high. The best treatment is the one where there is community and connection. You can't do this on a Zoom call. You're still isolated. For parents, the busiest time has been now right after the first 9 weeks and report cards come in. Kids don't even have to login. Young adult programs are going to be inundated with kids who are not able to make it in school being isolated. 

How do you find a therapist if online therapy sessions on Zoom aren't working? Ask them who does in-person therapy? Do your research? Lookup the Georgia Therapy Network. 

For young adults you have to approach behavior change incrementally. Start removing their comforts:.Remove the internet. Take away the car. Take away their phone.

Dealing with Crushing Situations through Faith and Hope — Todd Stumbo

Todd Stumbo

Todd Stumbo is a Board-Certified Human Services Practitioner, a State Certified Alcohol and Drug Counselor Level II, Relapse Prevention Specialist, Certified Anger Management Specialist and a Certified Nonviolent Crisis Intervention Instructor. Todd has over a 14 years of experience in the addiction industry and currently the Chief Executive Officer at Blue Ridge Mountain Recovery Center, a short-term intensive residential facility in Ball Ground, GA that targets males and females ages 18 and up. He specializes in employee training and growth as well as program development and expansion. He is skilled in individual and group therapy focusing on education of the disease of addiction, the recovery process and relapse prevention. Todd is also versed at anger management counseling and public speaking. He has managed teams as small as 3 employees and as large as 80 employees/72 clients. He leads them in developing and adhering to day to day activities/schedules, clinical modalities, operational demands, addiction and recovery education and requirements by multiple regulatory agencies.

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Notes

Real faith produces genuine patience that can allow us to maintain good works (doing the next right thing), which promotes peace and serenity, develops a sense of hope and helps us learn to live patiently in the anticipation that things will happen exactly as they should.

Looking for Direction

1. You should look inward. Ask yourself what your beliefs are about the situation and how they may be a benefit or detriment to finding peace and resolution to the situation.

2. You should look upward. Turn to God or a Higher Power for direction. Begin to have faith.

3. You should look backward. Ask yourself what you have done in the past during times like this and the turn out of it. Was it good, bad….should you do something different this time.

4. You should look forward. Determine the consequences of the different actions you can take and develop a choice that gives you hope for the future. Finding hope may mean doing the most difficult thing.

Four “Don’ts” as we deal with what to “Be” during difficult times

1. Don’t focus on the situation or you will be filled with anger and/or anxiety. This will ultimately destroy your faith and hope for the future.

2. Don’t focus on yourself or you will be filled with self-pity. This will create feelings of inadequacy, low self-worth and low self-esteem.

3. Don’t focus on blaming or you will begin to complain. This will create feelings of resentment and entitlement.

4. Don’t dwell on the past or future or you will miss the point of what God or your Higher Power is wishing to achieve or teach you in your life.

If you can’t let go of your past you can never accept the present, if you can’t accept the present you will struggle to have a future.

“BE’S”

1. Be Patient

Patient- the word stresses non-retaliation. It means to hold one’s spirit in check. It implies the ability to keep calm and cool for a long time without exhibiting frustration with difficult circumstances. It means to be long-tempered and longsuffering.

Patience promotes faith and hope in God or your Higher Power. It can help develop self-esteem, self-worth and courage.

Proverbs 25:28 “Whoever has no rule over his own spirit is like a city broken down, without walls.”

Being patient in difficult circumstances means we deliberately allow God or our Higher Power to handle the situation in His/Their own way and on His/Their own time. This helps us develop healthy anticipation for our future. It can begin to reduce anxiety and the feeling of the need to try to control.

If we have faith and hope that God or our Higher Power will help us work through our issues it can be the path that makes the present bearable.

With a lack of faith and hope we live in fear of the past and the anxiety of the future. Our serenity and peace are compromised, and we begin to repeat behaviors that have gotten us to where we were most lost and misdirected.

When we as parents and loved ones, feel lost and misdirected, we seek relief. That relief often comes from denial, rationalization and or control. That relief, long term, creates more feelings of misdirection and emptiness which is the opposite of faith and hope. We need to learn to be patient in these times and turn our focus to God or our Higher Power and seek spiritual growth and relief instead of falling victim to physical destruction, emotional turmoil and spiritual depression due to our need for our loved one to be ok.

Being patient may not produce any visible evidence of growing or relief immediately but internally and spiritually much work is being done (Farmer and crops example). Waiting periods are never without trials and testing.

2. Be Firm

When we are in a waiting period it is easy to become irritated and frustrated. Some of us turn to holding grudges, murmuring and grumbling. There is also potential within us to become very bitter and resentful towards others.

“Establish your hearts”- your self-talk can reveal different parts of your heart. It can prompt you to behave in ways that can become conflicting which lowers your self-esteem. You need to focus on aligning your actions with what you know to be right. It will strengthen your being. It will create an inner sense of stability and will help you establish decisive actions. It is your personal duty to develop an attitude of courage and firmness in facing your circumstances.

Establish principles.

3. Be Clean

Do not grumble against one another. The word grumble means to sigh with an inner unexpressed feeling. When the pressures of life mount there is a temptation to divide. When we are going through difficult times in life we tend to look at people around us and become resentful and judgmental. I encourage you to start to look inside and be clean.

4. Be Aware

Be aware and prepare for troubling times and suffering. Having struggles in life is a natural process that is meant to promote growth if one has learned to be patient, be firm and be clean. If they have not it can cause self-destruction.

Suffering can be unexplainable at times and most of us naturally want to grumble about it. We must learn to have the right actions during the difficult times. Unfortunately, people suffer a lot of times not because they were doing anything wrong but because they chose to do what was right. This is called character.

Kent Hughes wrote, “Our moral development, our character, is largely dependent upon the experience of suffering. Without trials we would be morally dwarfed. The study of the lives of great people reveals there is a consistent link between the crucible and true greatness.”

Basically, most great achievers experience great suffering.

Malcom Muggeridge wrote, “Suppose you eliminated suffering, what a dreadful place the world would be. I would almost rather eliminate happiness. The world would be the ghastliest place because everything that corrects the tendency of this unspeakable little creature, man, to feel over-important and over-pleased with himself would disappear. He’s bad enough now, but he would be absolutely intolerable if he never suffered.”

Having hope for your future will create faith in yourself and your Higher Power. Having this faith toughens your ability to endure suffering and troubling times which will cause you to be more compassionate to others who struggle. This compassion is seen by others around you and it is contagious. Three of the most influential things in life are having hope, having faith and showing love.

In Closing:

We must realize that having patience, firmness in what we stand for, a clean side of the street and awareness of struggles can always help us maintain out integrity. If we can maintain our integrity, we will be able to accomplish doing right action during the trials and tribulations we face in our lives. If we maintain the right actions our recovery is much safer, and we slowly begin to build our character and our character promotes our self-esteem to be more positive.

Estrangement: How do you Reconcile with a Prodigal — Dick Forbes

Dick Forbes speaking to Parents of Prodigals support group about how to get through the pain of estrangement.

When estrangement hits us with our kids, for whatever reason, including addiction, it creates absence in a normal parent child relationship. NOTHING in life prepares us for this heartbreaking situation. Dick talks about some specific strategies that will help you as a parent to address this difficult and painful circumstance.

Dick Forbes is President of Forbes Counseling Services, and has over 30 years experience counseling individuals, couples and families on a variety of issues including conflict, stress, trauma, depression, addiction, and marriage and family issues. Mr. Forbes also assists organizations with training initiatives related to organizational change, coaching, team development, diversity, goal setting and multiple management issues designed to enhance organizational effectiveness.

Mr. Forbes holds a bachelor’s degree in psychology from Georgia State University and a Masters degree in counseling from Western, located in Portland, Oregon.

TRANSCRIPT

This is something that life doesn't prepare us for. Estrangement with your kid the most heart wrenching thing a parent can go through other than death. You go to bed thinking's about it. You wake up thinking about it. It's constantly on your mind. It's a constant pain that there, and with that comes shame. You wonder, "What did I do wrong as a parent?" 

The reason I got interested in this, I've got a personal story. I've got 3 children and they are all grown adults. My oldest son has special needs, and he still lives with his mom, but two of them I haven't spoken to in almost 12 years now. This is my journey through this. How do I deal with it?

Stop asking why

You've got stop asking the philosophical question of why: why did this happen?. Instead you've got to ask the practical question of how: how do I get through this? You become experts because of what you've been through. So I have become an expert about estrangement. Whatever you circumstances, I dod understand what that pain is like, and that there is such an element of shame that is associated with it at times. I want to lay a foundation with that. 

In Shakespeare's Macbeth Act 4, MacDuff is talking and says: "New widows howl, new orphans cry, new sorrows Strike heaven on the face."

And that is so true. When we go through this pain, there is sorrow that strikes heaven in the face. There is a pain. It's a pain that no earthly comfort can help. 

It’s in the Bible

The Biblical story of this is the prodigal son story. Here was this dad. I know it's a story. These aren't real characters, but Jesus is telling the story, and it's so pointed about life in general. Here was this dad who has to let his son go. Whatever the circumstance (what is a personality conflict?) we don't know. We don't know what the circumstances were other than he was just a selfish little twerp. That's kind of how you read it. "Give me my money so I can go" And he leaves, but we don't know how long he was gone or what it was like but I have to tell you identifying with that dad, he look down that road every day. "Maybe today... maybe today...maybe today." And we don't know how long that went. Cuulturally his older brother should've gone out and jerked a knot in his head, and said, "Look what you're doing to dad" But we know the elder brother story too. 

What did this dad go through? When you look at him, what did he not do? He didn't chase. He didn't go after him. He didn't text him. He didn't have an email address for him. He didn't. He knew that his son was better off in the hands of God than in his own hands. That was the conclusion he came to. There were a lot of lessons that you and I have to look at because letting go is one of the hardest things because we get anxious, worried, and fearful all built up inside of us when we're having to face something like this. I have to let my child go and leave him in the hands of God.

My parents did not teach me how to lose

So what are we left with this happens to us? What do we deal with on a daily basis? Fear, anger, anxiety, depression. It's just there when you go through something like this. We don't know how to cope with it, when loss hits us. Because, I don't know about you, but when I was growing up my parents did not teach me how to lose. They taught me how to get. Do you get a birthday present you get a bicycle, you get a puppy. Get an education, you get a house, you get in debt. We are taught all our lives to get, but you know when we loss hits us we are so out of touch with how to really deal with it. This is a loss. They are not dead, but it's still a loss. It's something very grievous in our life that we have to go through. And this just isn't about your prodigal child, this is about you and me. 

Archbishop William Temple who was Archbishop of Canterbury in England in the 1940s. A brilliant man. I read a lot of his stuff, but he has this one quote that went through me like a bullet. He said, "religion is what we do in solitude." What he meant by that is, what do you and I think about when we have nothing to think about? I went "ouch. I ain't God. When you are in an estranged relationship with your child, what are you thinking about? You're thinking about that kid. It's all you think about. It's just there in the forefront and it doesn't seem like there's any relief from that that's going on. Bishop was right. Our minds are in so many different places. The verse "Be still and know that I am God." When I'm still I'm thinking about all that's going on around me. The healing process is to be able to think about this, but it doesn't destroy me. 

We have to stop parenting out of fear

We knee jerk. It's called "fear based decisions". Fear comes out as a parent as anger, control, last work freak, and need to be right, and enabling. It's all fear based. Fear based decisions are normally wrong. Am I making a fear based decision. Anger is about having to control the situation, one-upmanship. When I read the scripture, I read that "perfect love casts out fear."

You can’t change other people

Our greatest fears are in our nightmares. If you're like me, it's about our kids. How do I deal with this fear? I love this illustration. I got it from an Al-Anon meeting. This girl walks in tattooed and pierce and she walks into this hula hoop. She takes this hula hoop and puts it on the ground, and stood int he middle of it. She said everything inside of this hula hoop is my business. Everything outside of this hula hoop is not my business. Don't have a dog in that fight. It's not my circus. It's not my monkeys. When we focus on someone else's behavior outside the hoop, we get angry, we get resentful, we get anxious. We are focused on something we cannot control. I can't fix other people. I can't change other people. I can't make them do the right thing. That's so true with addictions. It's true with our children sometimes. We are trying to do something that's impossible. 

Drew Dillard said, "We are as happy as our unhappiest child is." Ain't that the truth.

How do I deal with this whole thing?  Terrible things happen to good people. They just do. Horrible things happen to children of God. In John 9, the disciples and Jesus come to a blind man and the disciples ask him who's sin made him this way? Jesus said "Neither. It's so I can be glorified." 

Linear Thinking

When we think about going through this, we have to throw linear thinking out the window. Linear thinking means, if I live a good life, I'll have a good life. If I live a bad life, I'll have a bad life. For you and I to be equipped to go through greatness in this life, we have to go through brokenness, suffering, the pain. I don't know why you are going through this specifically. I'm 12 years out of this in any story, and there are days when I'm grateful because of what it's taught me to be a better man, a better husband, because of that pain. Because I have to take a hard look at them. 

Shakespeare wrote in Hamlet, "More things of heaven and earth are dreamt of Horatio then you're puny philosophy." The things we dream of in heaven, those things are greater than any philosophy we have here on earth. 

We think about us. Our sorry, Our pain. We get very introspective when we go through suffering. It's all about us. There's a pithy saying that says "Hurt people hurt people". So that moment when we do have contact with our estranged child, we want them to hurt. "You don't know what you're putting me through" we might say. "You don't know the pain you've caused me." Suffering can make us bitter instead of better. 

Alienation

There's a difference between alienation and estrangement. This happens often in divorce. They can feed the kid so many things that turns them agains the other parents. They're often untruths. Little kids tend to drink the kool aid and believe that parent. They become alienated.

Sometimes the parent can't control it. Did you choose for this to happen? No. Your kid did. Especially with adult children. I was so ashamed about this for so long. I was a Christian counselor. A well meaning pastor once asked me, "How do you counsel couples if you're divorced?" I looked at him and said, "Through my own pain. I identify with them. I understand what they are going through." He actually called me later to apologize. 

Sometimes friends and family can fuel the fire.

"Look what they did to you. You've gotta cut them off." Well intentioned but not helpful. Sometimes estrangement is the only viable option if abuse is part of the story. Some parents are just downright poisonous. 

It's common to pin the reason on something else. But you and I as a parent we don't know what we did. We are left in the dark. There's no reconciling, bargaining, explaining. We have to go on. We think we must have done something wrong. Not always. The reality is that the child made the choice. They chose to separate from the family. They will have lots of excuses and reasons about how terrible you are. But don't forget that the adult child has to be struggling too. What drove them to such pain that they had to leave? It's a two-way street here. It's not just us and our pain. Some kids do distance themselves and some don't. Humans have a fight or flight mindset. They don't want to deal with conflict. Sometimes it's a lack of maturity. They don't want to deal with the strong emotions at home. They don't know of anything else to do but flee. 

Hypothetical situation

Our son Joe graduated from college. A pretty good kid. Like a lot of kids, he's going to live at home for a while. But he really starts living at home. He's not getting up. He's sleeping til noon. He makes no effort to help. Leaves dirt dishes. He's disrespectful. As parents how would you react? "What's wrong with you?" Start nagging them. You start getting on their case every day. What are you going to do today? Now here's Joe. What do you think Joe's thinking about his parents? "Golly! They're horrible!" In his minds, he's thinking "Get off my case." The more they nag, the more he digs his heals in. When you had children and you told them not to eat those cookies, what did they want? Those cookies. It's the same principle with our adult children. Joe's parents are concerned. Where will he end up? This is where it starts? Joe's not taking responsibility for his life, and his parents aren't taking responsibility for them. What are they willing and not willing to put up with? It's your house, your home, your rules. He's an adult kid, but if I allow it to go on, then I become an enabler. I can scream and shout and fuss all day long. But if I put up with it, then I'm parenting out of fear. I don't want him to leave. He has no place to go. He might end up in box on a street. Well good. He might have to sleep in his car. Well good. It's uncomfortable in a car. 

Am I parenting out of fear? I hear this all the time with parents especially with adult children dealing with addiction. Maybe the kids been in and out of treatment and their back home and don't know what to do. I going, "Who pays for the cell phone?" They say, "We do." "Who pays for their car insurance?" "We do." "Where do they get gas money." "We give it to him." The tough love approach sometimes has to come into play. What am I so afraid of with clarifying what the boundaries are in this situation.

Now Joe eventually moved out. He's got that fight or flight. He avoids conflict so me moves out. He doesn't tell his parents where he went and has no contact with them for over a year. His response is to do nothing but distance ourselves from a conflict. When we distance ourselves from the problem, does it go away. No, the problem is still there. You and your child are still emotionally intertwined with each other. Because you're both living with the same problem.They're thinking about in the process. It might not be nice thoughts, but they are thinking about you. Joe is still emotionally bound up in this situation. Neither one are free from the original problem. 

Extreme Distancing

Extreme distancing is cutting off. No contact. They changed the phone number. No email. It usually occurs after long periods of conflict. It's usually a sudden knee jerk reaction: "I gotta get out of here." You might have a child with some addictions, and you're pleading with them to stop. What do they do? Bye bye. They're seeing you as the problem because they don't think they have a problem. They cut you off because usually they do not have the resolution or the maturity to address the problem. You and I have some years of wisdom under they belt, but they're handicapped. It's up to us.

Mirroring

Am I mirroring my child in my behavior? If you're angry at me, I'm going to be angry right back. It's a great sales technique. Couples do this. It leads to trouble. 

You feel powerless when you get cut off. 

HOW TOs

1. Get some support

This is an isolating disorder. Church people are sometimes the worse about isolation. Proverbs says that sometimes a kid goes off the rails. When we isolate we become self-destructive, depressed, anxious. 

We go through a grief process. No one taught me how to go through grief. We have to build a foundation other than the restoration with your child. Because what if that person comes home and then leaves again? Or never comes home? Or dies? No one person can meet all the needs in your life. 

We feel failure. We have lost our ability to parent. No one can identify what we are going through. We say, I know God forgives me, but I can't forgive myself. What that tells me is number 1 that God's forgiveness isn't real to us. It's abstract. It's intellectual. And the unforgiveness of yourself is the idol that's still beating you up. Until I understand the absolute grace of God that no matter how bad I screw up, God still loves and forgives us. 

Be careful with friends and families. Sometimes the way they defend and stick up for you isn't helpful. Sometimes you may need some professional help, but usually a group setting helped. 

I wish church acted more like an AA meeting. The confession and failures are just put out there, and there's grace in those meetings.

2. Don't cut off the response

Don't get in the tit for tat kind of stuff. "My kids not contacting me. Well the heck with them, I'm not contacting them either." We want to hurt them back. That's the tendency of the human heart. We get ourselves into trouble. Don't cut off the communication. Acknowledge the birthdays, the holidays, I text them about every 3 or 4 weeks: "Love ya. How are you doing? Just thinking about you. Proud of ya." Don't ask anything of them. Every once in a while I'll say, "I'd love to see you," or "I'd love to meet you for dinner." It takes courage to do that because we are hurt so bad. Don't ask anything. Don't judge. They're hearing it. Occasionally write letters of apology and we are willing to make amends. It takes absolute strength and courage to not cut off communication. 

What they are doing is emotional blackmail. They are trying to hold us hostage. 

3. Don't feed the anger

You've got to deal with the anger. It's secondary emotion. Something always comes before anger. It's usually fear or hurt. Usually in this case it's hurt. Anger is necessary and natural, but it's not always helpful. When I don't deal with the anger, I go into self-righteousness. "All the money I spent on you. All the sacrifice I made for you." When you're a parent of little kids, you are tired and you're broke all the time. You think back to all that and you think they don't appreciate anything you did for them. We want to send that message. That's where the hurt and wounds are. 

That brings us to the fork in the road. It makes us bitter or better. It leads us to a profound lesson. We're not in control. We never were in control. If we were a good parent, then often we thought we were in control. That we raised good kids. We're not in control.

3. Communicate back without defending yourself

This is the hardest one of all. What do we want to do? We want to correct all the lies. Tell them it didn't happen. But the moment you do that it's done. They will cut you off. They'll say, "See he hasn't changed." In their mind, their perception of what took place is very real to them. Now 90% of it may not even be true. But it's true to them. You're hearing hurtful things. You're being misunderstood. And that hurt is just so deep inside. Remember, there was something that was hurtful enough that they had to leave. You may not even know what it was. As a parent we all look back and know there were some things we should've or could've done. They may need to hold on to their blame to feel safe, to deal with their own anxiety. 

4. Focus on yourself and not your child

You've got to control your emotions and what comes out of your mouth. That's something you actually can control. That's inside your hula hoop. I've got to focus on myself and changing me in the process. I bet the dad in the prodigal son story had a lot of introspection about himself. Because what did he do when the son came back? He threw him a party. He was able to do that. He ran out and pounced on his son, and wouldn't even let him tell his story about how he wanted to be a hired hand. 

5. Get to know your child as they are not as they were.

What are the like as an adult. We have both changed a lot. Try to understand them. 

There is always hope. "Never never never give up" - Churchilll

6. Be consistent in your message. 

You make amends. You tell them how proud you are, how much you love them. Don't cut them off. 

7. Own your mistakes

They are not unforgivable. Ask for forgiveness. Own it. It brings about humility and lowliness. 

8. Again, get some support

Psalm 38:14 "The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit"

Isaiah 42:3 "A bruised reed he will not break. A smoldering wick he will not put out."

Psalm 88 (last verse) "Darkness is a better friend than you are God."

Way more spiritual people than you are have gone through these kinds of trials.

Isaiah 43:2 "When you pass through the waters I will be with you. And when you walk through the fire, you will not be burned, the flames will not set you ablaze."

There's great comfort in Scripture. The thing that saved me through this is that I decided to know God. I made a commitment to not neglect the disciplines of prayer, of reading, and of writing. It doesn't happen instantaneously, and weeks and months may go by, but you begin to get a little bit of traction. And that is probably the most vital thing that you can do right now is to lean on the arm of the Savior who does comfort us in these afflictions that we have.

Testimony of Alcohol Addiction - John Bailey

John Bailey speaking to the Parents of Prodigals support group.

In Aug. of 2020 John just celebrated 41 years in Recovery and want to encourage Parents of Prodigals to share with other parents and families about support your son or daughter or other family members about addiction and Alcoholism.

Recovery is a We program, not just for the addict or Alcoholic but it effects all members of the family. My personal testimony is not just about being Sober for 41 years but being a good husband, father, grandfather and a clean good member of society.

This can only happen by living “One Day at a Time” and sharing my Experience, Strength and Hope to others. This only happens because I have a personal relationship with my Higher Power Jesus Christ and pray each day and have an attitude of gratitude to share with other about Living Sober.

Notes from John’s testimony:

Background

People that I know and people that I sponsor they might get one year and celebrate. The first year is always difficult for a lot of people. I got sober in Houston tx. I'm originally from the suburbs of Cleveland, OH. I'm a US Navy veteran during the Vietnam crisis. My father passed away when he was 50 years old, and I was 23. 

Alcohol helped me felt like I belonged

This disease called alcoholism kicked my tires. I had my first cocktail at age 13. Even though I was close to the "in" group in high school, I never felt like I was really in that group. I was in the circle looking out. When I look back at that first opportunity to taste liquor, I realized that that's when I felt better and felt like I belonged. Everyone wants to be in "in" group, whatever that is. 

I grew up a Christian for the first 22 years, and after that I only went on Christmas, Easter, and Thanksgiving. I caught the bug of loving alcohol. My parents had liquor in the basement, and I would let my friends borrow some of those beverages when they came over to play ping pong. When I got into business and sales, my social skills helped because I had to entertain people at lunch time, happy hour, and early evening. 

Removing the stigma of being an alcoholic

For a long period of time, I'd make the statement, "I'm probably an alcoholic" but I thought alcoholics were those people who were homeless, that lived under the bridge, that didn't have a job. Alcoholism is for anybody: doctors, lawyers, ministers, nurses, teachers, brothers, sisters, husbands, wives, moms, dads, aunts, uncles, or cousins. Back in those days, you'd have "cooties" if you were an alcoholic. 

Back in those days there weren't a lot of recovery centers. The community and society make the people who struggle with alcoholism feel "less than" which has hindered people from getting the help that they need. Today there are centers and programs all over the country where you can go and get help and dry out for long term or short term. 

Rededication to Christ

I went to my pastor in Houston. I had joined Second Baptist Church, and the singles pastor there, Bryant Wright, was the same pastor that founded the church we go to today here in Georgia (Johnson Ferry Baptist Church). He started a singles organization with 76 people and grew it to 2500. That was the social setting for the city of Houston. A lot of young professionals attended. I got baptized. That was one of the greatest things I did for my personal spiritual journey. But I was still drinking. I had this big black hole in my gut, and I said I rededicated my life to Christ, I was in a men's Bible Study. I was doing all the surface things that you do when you are on fire for God. 

Recovery with AA

I can't mention the name of Jesus at any AA meeting because they talk about a "higher power." AA is a spiritual journey. A lot of the sermon on the mount is in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. A lot of people don't want to join AAA because they think it's a religion. It's not a cult either. It's a recovery organization. It works if you let it work. 

Alcoholics don't see their own behavior

I told my pastor that I had rededicated my life to Christ, my life is going along okay, I've got a good job, make good money, got a house, two cars. Everything is going good on the surface but I was miserable. My mentoring pastor said to me, "John, you like Chardonnay and Cabernet better than ice water." He saw my behavior. Alcoholics don't see their own behavior. The calamity in their life, they don't see it. They say, "It's y'all's fault" 

I learned to love me

I knew what alcoholism was, but I wasn't one of those. I had a job. I had responsibility. Me, an alcoholic? But I was. But I'm in recovery now and it has been a long journey. In my quiet time I think God this morning with an attitude of gratitude and wondered how can I serve you today. And how can I help somebody else? I can help someone else by sharing my journey, my strength, and my hope. I have never gotten anyone sober. I sponsor people. I use my alcoholism as a vehicle to help people get in recovery, stay in recovery, and grow in recovery. Recovery helped me love and like me so that I can love and like others. I actually learned to love me. For years I could never measure up to my mom's standards, and we never got a long. Drinking helped me numb those feelings. 

What's normal anyway?

Do you know what the only thing normal in your household is? The setting on your washing machine. It has a setting called "normal," and that is the only thing normal in your household. We all look good on the outside. We might have a good job, have a good family, go to church. 

“Consider it all joy…”

God did a miracle in me. I thought the ministers were talking to me when there were hundreds of people in the room. I told Bryant Wright about my story. He invited me to a gathering on Galveston beach and the study was on the book of James. This has become my favorite verse in the Bible. James 1:2. It says, "Consider it all joy my brothers when you go through trials..." And boy did I go through trials. 

Importance of Honesty 

Honesty is the first step of the 12 steps. I learn to be honest about it. During the height of my alcoholism I wasn't very honest and I did a lot of bad things. Recovery teaches you in the fourth step to clean up the wreckage of your past. I used to blame everyone else for all of the calamity in my life until I went into recovery. Then I found out I had all these character defects and I wasn't honest all the time. 

My Ministry

Until I quit drinking my relationship with my higher power who I called Jesus Christ was not real. He's used my recovery and my tenure in recovery as a ministry to help other people, sons and daughters get sober. There's where the victory is. 40 years was a big deal, but I had to wake up the next day, have my prayer time, be grateful, and I've had to learn to live one day at a time. 

One Day at a Time

The percentage of people staying sober in AA is very small, less than 5%. I've met some of the finest people in recovery. When I got promoted again to Newport Beach California. We had recovery meetings on Balboa Island. Famous people come into my home group, people that you would see on television. They were movie stars and sports figures. People you admire in the sitcoms. And they're sitting in the chair talking about their experience and their strength and their hope. They were alcoholics. But it's a safe place because AA was anonymous. I never had to go to a recovery center. I just did it one day at a time, one month at a time one year at a time. 

Addictions are more common than you think

But when I gave my testimony to a group of deacons, 29 guys called me next month who were dealing with pornography because of the internet, dealing with cocaine, dealing with excess drinking, dealing with cheating on their wife. Now these are deacons, ordained people who are supposed to be above reproach and have a clean lifestyle. Out of the 29, only 3 humbled themselves and sought recovery. They are doing better. They're families are reconnected. They're doing the next right thing. They got rid of a lot of baggage they were dealing with. Recovery teaches you to live one day at a time and worry about today. 

Closing

I'm honored to speak to the Parents of Prodigals group. Part of my ministry is to speak to the parents, and the families, and the sons and daughters, the husbands and wives, who have drinking problems. I work with them and get them engaged in recovery. A lot of people are afraid and don't want to talk about it. In Houston I had a gorgeous wife of 16 years. The first eight years was great. We would drink together. Our lifestyle was going to fancy dinners, and I would meet with clients and drinking was always part of it. I was a functional drunk. I never got a DUI. Never got stopped by the police. 

It was the day that the ministered told me that I liked Chardonnay better than ice water. I got mad, but then later I got down on my knees and rededicated my life to Christ again, and here we are again. I'm a person in recovery living one day at a time, and sometimes one minute at a time. Through my relationship with Jesus, I can stop, pray quietly, and start my day over. I'm not as angry and judgmental and self centered as I used to be.

Thanking God for Blessing us with a Prodigal - John and Fair Brocard

Audio transcript

Fair:

Devotional Reading from Jesus Calling

Trust Me in the midst of a messy day. Your inner calm--your Peace in My Presence--need not be shaken by what is going on around you. Though you live in this temporal world, your innermost being is rooted and grounded in eternity. When you start to feel stressed, detach yourself from the disturbances around you. Instead of desperately striving to maintain order and control in your little world, relax and remember that circumstances cannot touch My Peace.

Seek My Face, and I will share My mind with you, opening your eyes to see things from My perspective. Do not let your heart be troubled, and do not be afraid. The Peace I give is sufficient for you.

John 16:33  ESV 
I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.

 Psalm 105:4 ESV 
Seek the Lord and his strength; seek his presence continually!

 John 14:27  ESV
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

John: (5:50)

Out of Control

Why would you allow to strangers to come into your house in the middle of the night and remove your son from your home. On May 12, 1998. Fair and I did that. He was taken to a structured hard-core wilderness program in Loa, UT. He was in the 10th grade and totally out of control. He was using drugs. He was drinking. He was disrespectful. He was lying. He was cheating. He was manipulating. He used profanity. He was angry all the time at us. He would verbally abuse us. He would cuss me out. He would challenge me to a fight at night. He tried to hurt me once by pushing me down the steps. He wouldn't accept responsibility for anything. It was always someone else's fault. He was arrogant, selfish, and lazy. He had the entitlement attitude–we owed him. If his friends got gifts or cars or a larger allowance, he demanded the same, after all we owed it to him. 

His outbursts of anger scared his older sister and his younger brother. They were afraid to be around him. His mood affected our whole household and our marriage. I remember coming home frequently and the first things out of my mouth were not, "Honey did you have a good day?" But, "What kinda mood is Bubba in?" because he set the tone in our home. If he was in a foul mood I could sense it as soon as I walked in the door.

Tearing a Family Apart

He had a new set of friends that used marijuana. They partied all the time. They drank all the time. He didn't appreciate anything we did for him. He began to not only destroy himself but our marriage as well. At that time we had been married 20 years. He drained us of our time an attention so that we didn't have a whole lot left to give our other children. We were running on empty. 

We couldn't communicate peacefully. It was always a yelling battle between me and him and I was always going to win the battle because I was louder, and that's just because of my competitive nature. It's not a virtue. It's something I'm admitting to you.

But despite all this, all the pain that we were in we still loved him unconditionally. So let me tell you how this impacted our marriage and our family. We've been marriage 43 years today, so we survived that hell. 

We appeared to be the all-American family on the outside. Bubba was a popular 16 year-old, working on his Eagle scout award, swimming year-round, making good grades, attended church regularly. Then all of a sudden the wheels fell off. Fair was a staff member at church and felt like she couldn't share this embarrassing difficulty. Our marriage began to suffer. We were tired, stressed, and argued all the time. She blamed me. I blamed her. We thought about separating. It was tearing us up. 

A Desperate Plan

We spent many months in counseling. We were told that Bubba had a self-esteem problem. We were shocked because he was so popular. After he pushed me down the stairs, we were advised by a very good therapist to hire escorts to remove him against his will from our home to get him help. Put him in a straight jacket if necessary. This was the most difficult decision we ever made in our marriage. We loved him, and this was tough love. He was out of control. We couldn't help him. This problem was bigger than we could handle. 

We had to let go and let God be in control. Bubba was His before he was ours. When I made the phone call to the ranch in Utah to come pick him up, I kept hanging up the phone. I just couldn't do it. After the third time of hanging up the phone I heard God speaking in my heart, Let him go. He was mine before he was yours. 

So I made the call. We had to wait a whole week. The program in Utah would be a 52 day hard core program where they give you a pack and a sleeping bag. They teach you how to pack your backpack. They give you food for a week at a time that you have to ration. You have a therapist on the trail with you. No electricity, running water, matches, nothing. No girls. No cars. No fast food. No alcohol. No drugs. Nothing.

The Night of the Transport

He got picked up at 3AM by two big men from Utah. Before that we had asked 3 sets of dear friends to pray for us who we knew wouldn't gossip. At 3AM, I was to have all the lower level lights on and have the garage door open. We did that. We couldn't sleep. I was sitting at the table with my Bible open with Fair. We had been crying. 22 years later, I still get emotional about it. The men who came in saw the Bible and asked, "Mr. Brocard are you believers?" They were too. One of them was a youth pastor who said that he did this on the side because he was a prodigal. The other one was a golden gloves boxing champion and worked for the state police, and he also did this on the side because he was a prodigal. They understood what it was like to have a son who was off the rails.

They asked Fair to leave because in their experience, if a young man sees their mother in the house before they take him, that it could trigger an emotion in him, so Fair left. I took them up to his room. He shot out of bed. I said, "Son it's okay. These men are gonna take you on a plane to Utah to a ranch to get you help. I signed the papers." He looked at me and looked at them and he growled and laid back down and covered his head with a blanket. I believe he felt like he was having a nightmare. I sat on the edge of his bed and was patting him on the back and said, "Son this is because we love you and these men are going to take care of you." And I left. I stood at the door to hear how it was going to go. I was afraid he was going to fight them because he was 6'2" 200 lbs and all muscle because he's a swimmer. 

Answered Prayers

But all of a sudden I hear these two men started saying, "Hey Bubba I'm in Jim and this is Joe, and we're gonna take you to Utah. You're going to see shooting stars. You’re gonna see wild animals. It's gonna be an experience of your life. And they're just machine gunning him with information." And after all that Bubba says excitedly, "Well I've never been to Utah. What do I wear?" They convinced him it was going to be an adventure. 

They didn't want him to see me, so I hid in the den and watched him walk him down their stairs and out to the car. I heard the car doors shut. Then one of the men came back in and said, "John, I want you to know that he is surrendered."

He went willingly. We had 3 prayers that morning that were answered immediately. (1) That the Lord would send me to get him who were believers. (2) That Bubba would go quietly without a fight (3) That he wouldn't wake up screaming and wake up his brother and sister.

Wilderness Experience

We had to write an "impact letter" and give it to Bubba on the plane to Salt Lake City. 

When he got there he were told it was going to be a week before a spot at the ranch opened up, but they called us and told us a spot had opened up. We asked why, and he said it was because the kid who was supposed to come ran away from his parents at the airport. They didn't have him transported. We cried for them because we knew what they were going through to make that decision and then end like that. But Bubba took his place.

He's there at the ranch 52 days. While in treatment he learned (and we learned because they're  in contact with us weekly) that he's got an anger management problem and uses marijuana and alcohol to self medicate to take away the anger. He learned how to positively deal with anger and lean on God. 

We were allowed to write weekly and he wrote back. The first letters we got were hate mail, and we were warned that this would happen. After the third week the tone of his letters change.  What happened then is that he was allowed to do a solo, where they take him from the group he was with and walked him to an area 2,000 yards away. They told him that he was going to be here alone for two days with just your thoughts, God, and nature. 

During this time the Lord cracked that hard heart of his. He had become a believer in middle school, and like so many of us (me included) we strayed. The Lord started drawing him back, and his letters changed. He started thanking us. He said he could see why we did what we did. Although we were skeptical, like the Prodigal Son story in Luke, Bubba "came to his senses". 

After 52 days we went out to his graduation and spent two nights with him in the desert, and they treated us as parents the way the kids got treated, so we would have a real life experience in the desert. He had to cook our food. He started a fire with a bow and string. No flash lights. We learned that Bubba had reached the highest rank possible (Eagle) for the time that he was there. 

We met with him and his therapist while there. We had a long 3 page contract to for him, and we had a therapist review it with him and had him sign it in the presence of the therapist. It said, if you want to come back home these are the rules. It's pretty much just the rules of your household. 

Back Home

When we got back we begin seeing the therapist again. Then God brought an angel into our life. His high school had a Young Life club that needed a new house to host their meetings and they contacted us and we said we'd do it because we thought maybe Bubba would go. Young Life is Christian ministry that teaches young people about Christ in a non-judgmental way. The Young Life leader named Hampton had heard about Bubba's story and kept contacting him and wanted to meet him. He was an outdoorsy guy who liked to fish, liked dogs. They developed a wonderful relationship. Bubba got very involved with Young Life. 

His senior year of high school he starts playing football for the first time. Coaches had wanted him to play earlier but it got in the way of his partying. 

Something very tragic occurred the summer of his senior year whenever they were at football camp. I believe his wilderness experience equipped him for being able to deal with this. All the boys went up the Athens Y football camp for a week. All the parents got a call saying that they had an emergency meeting and we needed to go back to the school to pick them up. They'd only been gone 24 hours. We knew something was wrong. 

When the team arrived, they all had their heads down. One of the coaches came up to me and said, "You're son's a hero." I didn't know what he was talking about. I'm not bragging. It's just something the Lord used Bubba for. A freshmen boy went down the zip line and dropped off into the lake, but he never came up out of the water. When they realized it wasn't a joke, one of the coaches jumped in and got him to the surface and started CPR. The overweight coach got fatigued, so they called for Bubba to come because they knew he was a year-round swimmer with CPR training. He swam over there and continued to do CPR until they got him Life Flighted to the hospital. And the boy died the next day.

Bubba was able to do what he was asked to do because of his wilderness experience. 

God's Grace

He graduated on time and went to started at Auburn University where he became a Young Life leader. He transferred to University of Texas San Antonio because he wanted to get into Ranch Management and then back to Kennesaw State and got a degree in Recreational Management. For about a year he worked with the company that does transportation of prodigal children. He understood what it was like. He ended up teaching special education at his alma mater high school. God has a sense of humor. He also becomes a lacrosse and football coach. He later gets married. He now owns his own crossfit gym and is raising a step son. He has stayed sober and clean. He's reconnected with God

Fair (32:30)

Lessons Learned

1. There is Hope. 

2. We cannot fix that problem ourselves. We had to let go and and let God have control. 

3. We learned the three C's: We didn't cause this. We can't control it. We can't cure it.

4. Natural consequences teach self-control

5. Be consistent with follow through. 

6. Don't discipline out of anger

7. Stop and think before we speak

8. Establish family rules with all of our children together

9. Hold family meetings where all the kids got a chance to speak and share their feelings

10. Kids need and like structure even if they say they don't

11. Give your children your time. We are quick to lash out and not quick to listen. There may be things they are going through that you don't know about it. 

12. Give grace when needed. Many times we should.

13. Love unconditionally, not only our own son but also other people's son. They're all struggling. Don't be judgmental. We used to be very judgmental. Get to know them and their heart.

14. Prayer is important. We had to have people praying for us. 

15. Have a support group. Be with other people who understand and won't judge you. 

16. Try not to miss the lessons and the blessings in the trials you go through. God spoke to us and changed us. God comforts us in our trouble so that we can comfort others because of what we have been through.

Let’s Talk about Mental Health — Tanya Roberts

Anxiety and Depression in Adolescents and Adults and What You Can Do About it

Tanya Roberts, Program Director with Pyramid Family Behavioral Health 

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Episode Notes:

Anxiety

Anxiety. What is it? I think we’ve all felt it. It typically involves fear, worry, dread or a sense of impending doom. It interferes with our normal daily function and is difficult to control. It lives in the future and makes us worried about what is to come.

Types of Anxiety

Generalized Anxiety  - Overall feeling of being anxious, you may not know what is triggering it and it is a typical uncomfortable feeling.

Social Anxiety  - More specific than Generalized Anxiety. It’s when you are in social situations, public spaces or when you have to meet new people. It can also be public speaking in front of people you may not know, or things similar to that. Often involves avoidance of social situations, fear of being inadequate or being scrutinized in an unfair way.

Separation Anxiety  -  Very common in young children and adolescents, and may cause them to have difficulty going to school or leaving their parents. They feel safer at home with their family, and leaving a trusted person is very difficult for them. 

Anxiety often goes along with depression, and a person diagnosed with one might be likely to have the other. Then it is a chicken or egg situation. Were they really anxious and then they became depressed or were they depressed and then began to get anxious? There is no specific answer.

Symptoms of Anxiety

• Feeling restless

• Feeling on-edge

• Feeling irritable. It is very common in adolescents and looks like oppositional behavior, but it is them being easily irritated.

• Fear

• Easily Fatigued. This is counterintuitive because they are restless at the same time, but because of excess tension in the body it is easy for them to wear themselves out.

• Difficulty concentrating. Their mind going blank or losing their train of thought. These are especially pronounced in kids with ADHD, because they already struggle from a lack of concentration anyways. If they have ADHD and develop anxiety on top of that, it appears that they cannot focus at all. This can lead to difficulty paying attention in class, and difficulty in normal conversations, as well as trouble sitting still.

• Sleep Disturbance. They could have difficulty falling asleep, or fall asleep easily and be restless throughout the night. They might wake up very early in the morning worrying about things that they can’t identify, or possibly things that they don’t even know at all. Another thing that affects sleep for people across the board but especially children and adolescents suffering from anxiety is the use of screens before bed. Sleep hygiene studies are telling us that you do not need that blue light within 2 - 3 hours before bed. If they are having trouble sleeping and they are using technology up until bed, then it is a definite contributor to their sleep issues. It is especially bad in high school kids who stay up all night on social media. Parents have a difficult time taking the phones away from their kids because of the strong opposition reaction they are met with. When kids are treated in residential treatment programs, they don’t have their devices, and for most kids it takes a week to decompress from the lack and withdrawals of technology. In my outpatient program, we could not prevent them from having their technology at their house, so we made them leave it in the car when they were with us. If not, they would be on it in group time, texting people who were in the same room as them! At my age, I don’t understand it but it is a way of life for today's children. They can suffer severe anxiety if they are not constantly in touch with their peers via social media. Social media apps are great in proper use, but they are designed to keep people engaged. Apps like Snapchat and Instagram have a feature called “streaks” and the whole point is to keep you constantly coming back to it. Kids nowadays need to be able to put down their phone and go talk to someone. The constant sense of being connected causes anxiety, which leads to sleep deprivation. 

• Racing Thoughts. A thought that no matter what they try, they cannot put it away or stop thinking about it.

• Panic Attacks. Can lead to dizziness, shortness of breath, nausea, sweating, shaking, and heart palpitations.

• Butterflies in the stomach or stomach aches. 

These symptoms do not have to all be present to mean someone has anxiety. It can be a single symptom or multiple, and many people may not have the heart involvement or stomach problems. These symptoms also cross over with adults as well, and are not limited only to kids. Everyone worries about things, but it becomes anxiety when you start to have trouble functioning because of that worry. That might be purposely avoiding social situations, not going to the store or being afraid of going to school because of a test. When it starts affecting your day-to-day life, you should really consider talking to someone. There are many sources for help, like your primary physician or a therapist. 

What Causes Anxiety in Kids?

Sadly, there is no clear cut answer. It could be triggered by any or a combination of the following:

• Genetics and predisposition 

• A major life change or event

• Move or relocation

• New school

• Parents’ divorce

• Transition between elementary to middle school (or middle to high school)

• Leaving their comfort zone

• Stress from work or school

• Self-judgment towards themselves.

• Feelings of insecurity

Who Gets Anxiety?

America is the most anxious nation on Earth. This could stem from pressure to live up to standards by people in our life. Things like grades, work, and all around success. 

In general, females get anxiety more than males, but that doesn't mean that males don’t experience it.

Approximately 1/3 of adolescents will be diagnosed with anxiety before 18. 

Approximately 1/4 of adults will be diagnosed with anxiety once in their life.

It may not be a lifetime condition, big events can cause it when you are not expecting, but eventually some people can get over their anxiety. 

Anxiety disorders have doubled between 2008 and 2014.

When Do You Need Help with Anxiety?

• You feel worried or afraid for what feels like no reason

• You feel worried about everyday activities, ESPECIALLY if you are purposely avoiding them

• You experience the physical symptoms of anxiety (from above)

• You continually check yourself. Things like doubting things you definitely did, such as getting out of bed to make sure the door is locked. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder can go along with anxiety, so look for those symptoms. 

• You are experiencing Depressive Problems

• You're unable to function in certain situations (work, tests, social situations, etc.)

Things to Help Anxiety:

• Seek professional treatment from a therapist or psychiatrist 

• Talk about worries with someone you trust, as well as honestly how you are doing

• Sharing your struggles with a prayer group or close friends who can support you

• Take deep breaths before or during stressful situations

• Find time to play or do something you really enjoy

• Listen to music

• Spend time with family or close friends

• Physical activity and exercise

• Limiting technology and screen time
  
  

Depression

Depression is caused by a combination of genetic and environmental factors, and many of the symptoms and causes are very similar to anxiety, but they are not the same thing.

There are two main types that can be diagnosed and are more specific than general depression:

1. Major Depressive Disorder

2. Persistent Depressive disorder.

Signs of Depression in Teens

• Feeling sad or hopeless

• Feeling worthless or guilty

• Isolating from family and friends

• Feeling angry or irritable

• Always feeling tired

Risk Factors for Depression

• Genetics

• Stressful events. Death of a loved one, parents divorce, abuse, etc.

• Physical or emotional trauma

• Chronic illness

• Peer conflict and bullying

• Intense pressure for work or school

• Feelings that you have to be perfect

• Not having family support or someone who listens

• Being isolated or lonely

• High screen time on video games or social media

• Medication side effects 

Major Depressive Disorder

It is diagnosed by having symptoms in a sever state over the course of a minimum 2 weeks. The symptoms are very similar in both Adolescents and Adults:

• Sad mood and general sadness

• Anhedonia

• Loss of interest in hobbies

• Serious change in mood for 2 weeks

• Trouble sleeping. Either too much or too little

• Changes in appetite 

• Significant change in body weight

• Having a foggy brain. Confusion, disinterest, and unable to remember things

• Excessive feelings of worthlessness or guilt 

• Decline in school performance

• Difficulty making decisions

• Head and stomach aches

• Neglecting appearance or self care tasks

• Thoughts of death or suicide (most likely for adults, but teens NOT excluded)

Persistent Depressive Disorder

Symptoms similar to Major Depressive disorder, but much more mild. They are persistent though, and can basically last forever. In order to be diagnosed, you have to have the symptoms consistently for at least 2 months.  

• Low self worth

• Feelings of inadequacy

• Trouble sleeping

• Poor concentration 

• Feeling hopeless

Adolescents with Depression 

• About 20% of adolescents experience depression before adulthood.

• An estimated 3.1 million experienced depression in 2016 in the US.

• Girls are hit harder by depression than boys.

• The majority of teens with depression go untreated.

• 30% of depressed teens have problems with alcohol or drugs.

• Some engage in risky sexual activity as a distraction.

• Suicide rates are increasing. The suicide death rate of teen girls doubled and teen boys increased by 37% between 2007 and 2015.

Adults with Depression

• 30 million people globally suffer from depression, and less than half receive treatment

• In the US, 16.2 million adults suffer from depression

• The age range hit the hardest is 18 - 25 years old

• Women suffer from depression more than twice then men do

• Adults whose children suffer with depression are more likely to suffer as well.

Depression and the Link to Suicide

Risk factors may include:

• A previous family history of suicide

• Substance use or abuse

• A history of personal suicide attempts 

• A history of child abuse or trauma

• Isolating from others

• A serious and recent personal loss, like a breakup, or being fired from a job.

• Poor impulse control

• Access to weapons

Important warning signs from teens:

• They talk about suicide or death

• A large change in personality 

• Risky or self destructive behaviors

• Giving away things that are meaningful, like pets

• Making statements that their family or friends would be better off without them

• Having no hope for the future

Getting Help for Depression

Getting help can come from lots of places. Things like support groups, therapists and psychiatrists. As parents of struggling teens, you also need help and someone to talk to and discuss how you can best help your teen. Some other good things to do are:

• Eat healthier

• Get moving

• Talk to a doctor

• Remember to be kind and compassionate to yourself

The Power of WE — Taylor Wesley

Taylor Wesley is the National Collegiate Specialist for Ranch at Dove Tree in Lubbock, TX. Taylor will be sharing her and her family's journey with mental health, addiction and recovery in order to give education and hope to families who may be struggling. Sometimes people forget that the first step to the entire family healing is to reach out for help. If you take the "I" out of mental illness and replace it with "We" it creates the word, Mental Wellness.

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Transcript:

The We Mentality 

Mental Illness and Addiction by Taylor Wesley

My Story (as told by Taylor Wesley)

From a young age I was a perfectionist, but it was really an underlying obsessive compulsive disorder. I would suffer from anxiety when things were not perfectly in order, or if I was not at the very top of my class. That eventually manifested in destructive comparison and never being pleased with myself.

A mean comment from a classmate about my weight caused me to develop an eating disorder. That along with running cross country caused me to have very low blood sugar levels, and eventually I turned to binge eating. 

I never used drugs, but binge eating did what a drug would do for me. In my junior year of high school, I used alcohol for the first time. I never got drunk, but my 3rd time I was expelled for drinking.

Not only was I suffering from severe OCD and binge eating disorder, but a car crash with my grandma freshman year left me with some PTSD. That caused me to suffer my first full panic attack and permanently scare me around cars. I was never content with myself, and always wished I could improve. I was also overmedicated and always felt hazy and tired. 

I was going to a Christian school, but I felt that God was doing nothing for me. I had prayed and paid attention in Bible class, but I felt like He wasn’t looking out for me. I began relying on myself, and that led to me becoming secretive with my parents.

Eventually I made it to college at Auburn, and the freedom astounded me. I no longer had to talk to my parents and would get a fresh start. I planned on joining a sorority because I wanted to be friends with those people.

One of the first nights we were at a fraternity party, I met my best friend: Vodka. When I drank Vodka, I no longer cared what I looked like, what people thought of me or what I ate.

Alcohol took away my bad thoughts, but when I woke up the next morning the thoughts were debilitating. It was so bad that I was out of touch with reality, and no longer cared about anything. The only way I knew to fix those thoughts was drinking alcohol, and that started a horrible cycle. I would drink, wake up, neglect school, friends and family, and then drink more. 

It got so bad that my friends stopped wanting to hang out with me, because I was always drunk or passed out somewhere. I still wanted to be a good Christian like my parents raised me, but when I woke up anxious, all I wanted was for that feeling to go away. I drank all the time, and it soon got to the point that I hated myself when I was sober. My friends and parents were very concerned, and I tried to have a facade with them that I was OK.

One night I was driving from Auburn to Atlanta while drunk, and I was pulled over. I am so thankful for that cop to this day because he most likely saved my life and many others too. He gave me the option of going to jail or calling my parents to come pick me up, so I chose the latter. 

My parents were concerned that they had done something wrong, and thought they were too harsh on me. I had been horrible to them growing up, and what I then realized was they were trying to protect me. They felt that if they could help solve my anxiety, then the drinking would stop. 

I drank for my last time in 2014. My parents could not get a hold of me, and it turned out I had choked on my own vomit and was unresponsive, and close to the point of my body shutting down. The doctors realized how serious my addiction was, and so my parents sent me to treatment. 

The treatment group I began going to was convenient, but did not help. I was scared to open up, and the other patients were not like me and far from my age. The people there quickly realized that, and recommended I go to a facility that specializes in college kids and young adults. I didn’t have any motivation to get sober, but I went because of the possibility of making friends.

When I arrived at the new facility, I met a girl with purple hair and tattoos. She thought I was a new staff member, and when I told her was a patient she was surprised. That is the moral of my story, because up to this point I only looked at differences, when I should have been looking at similarities. We were both there because of addiction, and that made us similar.  

I pretended to be okay, but I would cry at night and would not tell the truth. One night, I had a conversation with a fellow patient, and he mentioned how he was so glad to be here getting treatment. I was surprised, because I was so ready to leave and get away. He said he came from jail, and he missed connection with people. He challenged me to ask someone for help the following day, and I followed his advice. 

In group time the next day I just told everyone how I was feeling and how unhappy I was to be there. Lots of people came up to me, wanting to figure out how they could help or to give me advice. I learned that they all had gone through the same things as myself. It really helped me make a connection with people. I felt so much love and compassion from everyone. 

One step I was taught at recovery was to have a relationship with a higher power. I was worried, because I had really fallen away from God, but I realized that having Him to give all of my problems to made me feel free. I incorporated religion into my recovery, and I began to feel peace. 

I went to Texas Tech, which is the best collegiate recovery college in the US. They taught me to do simple tasks I was never good at, and surrounded me with a community of students who were all sober and recovering like me. I took a public speaking class there, and one prompt was to share something about yourself. I talked about all I had been through, and 3 kids from the class of 20 came up to talk to me at the end. I realized that if there were 3 in a group of 20, there are so many people struggling with things that I could possibly help. It was a chain reaction of vulnerability. 

I eventually decided to go and finish my degree at Auburn because I wanted to make amends to myself. I could feel good, work hard and thrive in the college I had to leave. I began going to all of the mental health things that happened on campus, and I shared my story with my old sorority, and it was all met with positive comments. 

I helped found the Auburn Recovery Community, and we became a platform at Auburn to raise awareness for mental health issues. One of my friends nominated me for Mrs. Homecoming, and while I did not want to do it at first, my director told me how amazing that was. He said it would be an amazing platform for me to raise awareness for mental health and the people struggling right around us. That changed my perspective, and I decided to go for it. 

I got to the point where I was put on a platform, and mine was all about how we can help those struggling with mental illness on the Auburn campus. It was a huge success and really valuable. Many people came up and gave their stories and were vulnerable, which had ripple effects across the event. I was chosen to be Mrs. Homecoming, and walking across the field with my dad was an amazing moment because I was able to bring so much awareness to mental health. It was also an amazing moment with me and my dad, because he told me how proud he was, and it really helped us connect in a way we never had.

One in four Auburn students struggles with mental illness, which means that either you or someone very close to you is struggling with this. There are resour...

I graduated and began to share my story with others. The recovery center where I went reached out to me wanting to have me raise awareness for their cause, and that is what I do now. I get to travel around and help people learn about ways to become free. 

I am in full recovery. I am sober. I have a strong relationship with God and am living a fulfilling life. 

Effective Treatment for Mental Health

• Meets all of a patient's needs, not just the drug

• Means staying in treatment for a long time

• Involves counseling and behavioral therapists

• Believes medication can really help

• Addresses other mental disorders

• Does not need to be voluntary

After Treatment

• I felt like I was free, and no longer had pain of fear

• I stopped just caring for myself, and now cared about the people around me 

• I didn’t want anyone to ever feel the way I felt

 Stigma

• It's not real, but we make it up in our minds

• I had stigmas of my mental health, addictions and treatment

• We think it because we assume others will be thinking it

• Treatment was the best thing I ever did

• You need your whole family to heal together. 

Mental Wellness

• If you take the”i” out of mental illness and replace it with “we”, you get mental wellness

• Mental wellness is the state of mental wellbeing where an individual contributes to society

• Always try to keep a positive mentality and be thankful for everything you have

• You need to have a sense of purpose and a goal to work towards

• What can I do to be happy today? Helping others, being grateful, ect.

What Can We Do

• Take care of yourself first instead of the one who is struggling

• Asking people if they are OK and being there for them

• Know the warning signs- isolation, change in external appearance, change in behavior, declining grades, ect.

• Positive mental wellness

• “Owning our story and loving ourselves through the process is the best thing that we will ever do”

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You can also read more about her addiction story here.

Recovering From our Addicted Loved One — Rick J. Petronella

Out of Control

Addiction is often out of control when the decision is made to enter recovery. Life has become unmanageable, affecting numerous areas. There may be occupational problems, relational conflicts, housing concerns, legal issues, and spiritual dryness. Common emotional problems include increased levels of depression, guilt, shame, regret, anxiety and worry, disappointment and despair.

Residual Effects

Most people who have an addicted loved one in recovery or not yet, deal with numerous after-effects. The chaos of addiction lingers after recovery begins. Often, the relationship is strained, thought tainted, and every moment impacted by addiction and the fear of what may happen to them. The aftermath of trying to recover combines physical illness, emotional overreactions, and pessimistic thoughts in a very unpleasant and often unhappy emotional place. Many people experience mental health symptoms, emotional outbursts, irritability, low frustration tolerance, complaining, and a general discomfort.

Triggering Event(s) that bring us Pain

• Family Conflict 

• Stress  with friends

• Financial Pressure

• Marital Problems

• Emotional Challenges

• Legal Trouble 

Regaining Normal

Over time, sanity is regained, things begin to look, feel, sound, normal again. Those in recovery begin to have usual experiences, and standard and ordinary reactions to those events. Irritability and over-reaction are beginning to quiet down. Your thoughts are more rational, logical, and better controlled.

The Difference Between Codependency and Love

Unhealthy people draw other people into their dysfunction. Anyone trying to be married to, or parent, or care for, or love someone who is harming themselves and others struggles with knowing what to do. How can you tell the difference between codependency and love?

a) What is true?

Jesus said, “you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:32) The truth about your own heart is one of the most important truths of all. Are you trying to control your person? Are you acting out of fear? Fear and control are always danger signs. Have you dealt with, or are you dealing with, your own pain that the addicted loved one is causing?

b) What is kind?

Being nice is not kindness. Denying the truth is not kindness. Enabling a person to continue to destroy themselves is not kindness. Kindness is not weakness. Kindness takes courage.

c) Who is responsible?

You probably know well the Scriptures

• “Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:2)

• “For every man shall bear his own burden.” (Galatians 6:5)

God designed us to need each other. Our addicted loved one needs you! But they also are responsible for themselves. You cannot get over your loved ones’ addiction. You cannot heal for your person who is acting destructively in their addiction. You can only grow and heal for yourself.

Believing in them? Yes, that’s just like Jesus does. Supporting them? Yes. Walking alongside them? Yes. Being responsible for them? No. Providing money to continue their bad behavior? No. Taking responsibility for them? No.

d) Who is suffering?

If you are doing the suffering for your addicted loved one, it’s likely codependency.. If you are suffering with them, it’s likely love. Love often means suffering. But it does not mean living someone else’s life for them. This may often take prayer to discern what your loved one is able to do and what they cannot do.

Godly suffering is when you shoulder some of the load your person is not able to carry, when you provide support and care as they are doing the hard work of changing and healing and growing. Codependency is when you try to do for your addicted loved one what they could do for themselves. You and I are not Jesus, but we are called to be His representatives – His hands and feet and arms and voice to those we love. We are always called to love. Love makes change possible. We are never called to enable destructive behavior.

When We Grieve what we have been through

1. What’s happening to Me?

A Mix of Emotions

Many people are surprised by the intensity and variability of their emotions. It is not unusual to feel anger and hostility toward the absent partner as well as love and longing. In most situations in life our feelings are fairly straightforward. We are happy or sad, angry or unperturbed. In separation and divorce it is not uncommon to have a roller coaster of changing emotions, all of which are valid.

4 cylinders

1. Spiritual 25%/15%
2. Physical 25%/15%
3. Mental 25%/15%
4. Emotional 25% /85%

Can we HATE as Christians?

Working through Negative Feelings Regarding the addicted loved one

“Haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, A heart that devises wicked plans, Feet that run rapidly to evil, a false witness who pours out lies and a person who stirs up conflict in the community.” (Proverbs 6:17-19)

“And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.” (1 Peter 5:10)

“You shall not hate your brother in your heart, but you shall reason frankly with your neighbor, lest you incur sin because of him. (Leviticus 19:17)

“Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” (Romans 12: 9-12)

Who is the REAL ME?

What has become of ME through all of this?

Confidence Hope Fear Doubt?

Grief and Adaptation – We Can’t Wish it away

When someone has a significant loss - loved one, money loss, job loss, home loss, family member loss. Our addicted loved one is out there and we can’t “FIX IT”

Grief - loss of control, need to let go, loss of money, loss of trust, loss opportunities to help, loss of emotions, loss of influence, failure, confusion instead of clarity. SLEEP! We must learn the skills of grief — To let go of what I cannot keep or change in order to allow in the new.

Neurobiology – Post Traumatic Stress Disorder impact. WW2, 911, Desert Storm. University of Los Angelas UCLA

IMPORTANT: Grieving Loss

Forgiveness is cognitive aspect of grieving that makes a way for the emotions of Grief to allow for one to begin grieving.How do we become good grievers? Find a safe place to process…

• Old grief – Issues/painful events in our past that still have not been worked through.

• Existential grief – Issues that we are dealing with now. That was hard, I feel sad how I handled that.

1) Say the words, “I made a mistake”

“I did not do that correctly”. Affirm the reality that you are hurting over this. Allow the sad feelings to come. It is difficult but critical. It clears out the pipes to allow for new opportunities for God’s healing, because it allows us to open up new areas of hope to move beyond the stuck place. We then must receive comfort and support. [Find a support system]

Key: “When we grieve by ourselves it will take twice as much time”. When we share our pain with others, they pour grace back into you and you will feel better sooner. “The function of tears is to let out toxins and poisons we do not need? Tears say, You don’t need this stuff, get rid of it. It is simialar to toxins in our life from the past.

“Who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God”. 2 Corinthians 1:4 (KJV)

2) Give up the idealization of what was lost

“I really would have dreamed for a very different life for my Prodigal.

3) Move on

Don’t stop living waiting for something to happen that may or may not. Pray.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference”.

And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpillar, and the palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you. And ye shall eat in plenty, and be satisfied, and praise the name of the Lord your God that hath dealt wondrously with you: and my people shall never be ashamed. Joel 2:25-27.

He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Isaiah 53:3

Past Hurts Equals Present Pain

Pain can lead us towards bad places

False beliefs “I can’t make a mistake” or “I will be worthless”. I have to do everything to be valued.

Attempts to control our Pain

We feel our pain. We medicate our pain. We rationalize our pain.

1. We respond to pain on an emotional level, most commonly in terms of victimization, rage and depression.

2. We attempt to control our pain by medicating it such as alcohol, drug abuse, compulsive behavior related to sex, money, or relationships.

3. We respond by thinking we can “avoid the pain” if we don’t do anything to cause it. Perfectionism and Procrastination are two cognitive attempts to control pain by avoiding it.

Emotional responses to Pain

1. Intentional Shame - not believing our own self-worth, hence not developing skills that go with a belief in as worthiness.

2. Rage – Holding tank for accumulated fears, angers, humiliations, and shame.

3. Depression - Keep it hidden by avoiding people close enough or spending time around others who might recognize our depression and pervasive emptiness our depression is making.

Behavioral Response to Pain

1. Control – We hope to control the cause of the pain, as opposed to removing, releasing or even allowing it to heal.

2. Perfectionism – a belief that if a person is perfect, there will be no reason to be criticized; therefore no more cause for pain. However, perfection a shame-based phenomenon because no matter what we do, “it’s never good enough”.

3. Procrastination and Ambivalence – Starting a project or considering a project, but never initiating it to defend against further shame

Six Steps to Healing

Why would we do this? For those of us who dare to desire more of all that the Lord would have for us; who turn to a new cause for our lives, the process of healing longer renewed energy, new understanding and new hope. Healing is actively taking responsibility for how we live our life today.

1. Healing is being able to put the past behind us. Philippians 3:12-15

2. Healing is the process in which we develop skills we weren’t able to learn in the chaos. 1 Corinthians 13:11-13

3. Healing is no longer living a life based in fear or shame or failure dwelling on our addicted loved one.. 2 Corinthians 10:2-6

4. Healing is the process of learning to trust others and the Lord. Ephesians 2:8-10

5. Learning to Detach. The Success of Detachment is “When we can be Okay when everything else is not okay.”

6. Understanding the benefits of TRUST and Attachment. With trust comes the opportunity of intimacy and vulnerability become possible.

In Closing

It is very important that friends and family of addicts focus on taking care of themselves. To engage in self-care is difficult and takes practice; but ultimately, there is no lasting relief without it.

Practicing good self-care becomes essential for restoring emotional and physical health for entire the family. Dealing with active addiction creates a pattern of self-neglect that needs healing. Redirecting the focus back on what you need makes detachment possible because your energy is no longer spent solely on the addict.

[Practice boundaries] Unhealthy people draw other people into their dysfunction. Anyone trying to be married to, or parent, or cared for, or love someone who is harming themselves and others struggles with knowing what to do.

Rick J. Petronella, PhD MAC, CCS is the founder of Compass Consulting and Affiliates.

REAL TALK about the Addict, Treatment, Resources and Recovery — Hannah Brett and Hunter Ragland

Hannah is part of Turnbridge treatment program in New Haven, CT. with over 13 years of experience in the treatment industry. She will share part of her own story into the recovery world.  Hannah will also speak about the how to navigate the overwhelming process in helping a loved one who needs help with treatment.

Hunter will also share his own journey in recovery and how he thrives on helping others with substance abuse.  Hunter is currently working at Twin Lakes Recovery Center.  He wants to carry the message of hope and recovery to anyone who is suffering from the disease of addiction.  He understands as he witnessed the pain and confusion his own parents went through during his addiction.

Testimonies of Addiction and Deliverance — Mark and Jackie Oerther

Mark & Jackie Oerther will share a parallel testimony of addiction from childhood to today. Both led a very dark life of addiction with no hope of getting sober & yet here they are: Mark has 23 years of sobriety & Jackie has 20 years of sobriety. Both are very active in a 12 Step based recovery lifestyle. They are a powerhouse of hope for those who struggle with addiction and for the families that love those that are addicted. 

Although Mark’s dream of opening his own treatment program has just come true, his greatest accomplishment is really getting sober & staying sober. There was a time when addiction controlled his life. With much support from his family and others in recovery, he was able to break the cycle of addiction at the age of 21. It has now become his mission to make the gift of recovery more accessible to others. He believes there is hope for every young adult, that they—and their families—may find a new life. To quote his favorite line from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, “It works, it really does!” 

Why do People Relapse and How to Prevent Relapse? — Dr. David Gore

Dr. Gore will pay particular attention to how a family can help or impede a loved one’s progress in recovery.

Dr. Gore is a licensed psychologist practicing in Sandy Springs .He has his Master’s and Doctoral degree and specializes in directive, solution-focused treatment in clinical psychology, specializing in family therapy, addiction recovery, postpartum depression, children and adolescents.  He is also Director of Family Services at Caron Atlanta.  He leads multifamily groups and workshops to help families understand addiction and recovery and what they can do to help in the process. 

The Brain Disease — Leanne Jamison

Leanne Jamison is Clinical Director at Caron Atlanta. She spoke on the topic of “The Brain Disease – Healing through Mindfulness”. Leanne will be discussing the elements that create addiction, as well as how addiction changes the brain in our adolescents/young adults.  We will look at the early recovery process.  We will also be discussing how mindfulness assists in the rewiring of the brain and practice a mindfulness skill in the group.