Recovering From our Addicted Loved One — Rick J. Petronella
Andy Knight
Out of Control
Addiction is often out of control when the decision is made to enter recovery. Life has become unmanageable, affecting numerous areas. There may be occupational problems, relational conflicts, housing concerns, legal issues, and spiritual dryness. Common emotional problems include increased levels of depression, guilt, shame, regret, anxiety and worry, disappointment and despair.
Residual Effects
Most people who have an addicted loved one in recovery or not yet, deal with numerous after-effects. The chaos of addiction lingers after recovery begins. Often, the relationship is strained, thought tainted, and every moment impacted by addiction and the fear of what may happen to them. The aftermath of trying to recover combines physical illness, emotional overreactions, and pessimistic thoughts in a very unpleasant and often unhappy emotional place. Many people experience mental health symptoms, emotional outbursts, irritability, low frustration tolerance, complaining, and a general discomfort.
Triggering Event(s) that bring us Pain
Family Conflict
Stress with friends
Financial Pressure
Marital Problems
Emotional Challenges
Legal Trouble
Regaining Normal
Over time, sanity is regained, things begin to look, feel, sound, normal again. Those in recovery begin to have usual experiences, and standard and ordinary reactions to those events. Irritability and over-reaction are beginning to quiet down. Your thoughts are more rational, logical, and better controlled.
The Difference Between Codependency and Love
Unhealthy people draw other people into their dysfunction. Anyone trying to be married to, or parent, or care for, or love someone who is harming themselves and others struggles with knowing what to do. How can you tell the difference between codependency and love?
a) What is true?
Jesus said, “you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:32) The truth about your own heart is one of the most important truths of all. Are you trying to control your person? Are you acting out of fear? Fear and control are always danger signs. Have you dealt with, or are you dealing with, your own pain that the addicted loved one is causing?
b) What is kind?
Being nice is not kindness. Denying the truth is not kindness. Enabling a person to continue to destroy themselves is not kindness. Kindness is not weakness. Kindness takes courage.
c) Who is responsible?
You probably know well the Scriptures
“Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:2)
“For every man shall bear his own burden.” (Galatians 6:5)
God designed us to need each other. Our addicted loved one needs you! But they also are responsible for themselves. You cannot get over your loved ones’ addiction. You cannot heal for your person who is acting destructively in their addiction. You can only grow and heal for yourself.
Believing in them? Yes, that’s just like Jesus does. Supporting them? Yes. Walking alongside them? Yes. Being responsible for them? No. Providing money to continue their bad behavior? No. Taking responsibility for them? No.
d) Who is suffering?
If you are doing the suffering for your addicted loved one, it’s likely codependency.. If you are suffering with them, it’s likely love. Love often means suffering. But it does not mean living someone else’s life for them. This may often take prayer to discern what your loved one is able to do and what they cannot do.
Godly suffering is when you shoulder some of the load your person is not able to carry, when you provide support and care as they are doing the hard work of changing and healing and growing. Codependency is when you try to do for your addicted loved one what they could do for themselves. You and I are not Jesus, but we are called to be His representatives – His hands and feet and arms and voice to those we love. We are always called to love. Love makes change possible. We are never called to enable destructive behavior.
When We Grieve what we have been through
1. What’s happening to Me?
A Mix of Emotions
Many people are surprised by the intensity and variability of their emotions. It is not unusual to feel anger and hostility toward the absent partner as well as love and longing. In most situations in life our feelings are fairly straightforward. We are happy or sad, angry or unperturbed. In separation and divorce it is not uncommon to have a roller coaster of changing emotions, all of which are valid.
4 cylinders
1. Spiritual 25%/15%
2. Physical 25%/15%
3. Mental 25%/15%
4. Emotional 25% /85%
Can we HATE as Christians?
Working through Negative Feelings Regarding the addicted loved one
“Haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, A heart that devises wicked plans, Feet that run rapidly to evil, a false witness who pours out lies and a person who stirs up conflict in the community.” (Proverbs 6:17-19)
“And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.” (1 Peter 5:10)
“You shall not hate your brother in your heart, but you shall reason frankly with your neighbor, lest you incur sin because of him. (Leviticus 19:17)
“Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” (Romans 12: 9-12)
Who is the REAL ME?
What has become of ME through all of this?
Confidence Hope Fear Doubt?
Grief and Adaptation – We Can’t Wish it away
When someone has a significant loss - loved one, money loss, job loss, home loss, family member loss. Our addicted loved one is out there and we can’t “FIX IT”
Grief - loss of control, need to let go, loss of money, loss of trust, loss opportunities to help, loss of emotions, loss of influence, failure, confusion instead of clarity. SLEEP! We must learn the skills of grief — To let go of what I cannot keep or change in order to allow in the new.
Neurobiology – Post Traumatic Stress Disorder impact. WW2, 911, Desert Storm. University of Los Angelas UCLA
IMPORTANT: Grieving Loss
Forgiveness is cognitive aspect of grieving that makes a way for the emotions of Grief to allow for one to begin grieving.How do we become good grievers? Find a safe place to process…
Old grief – Issues/painful events in our past that still have not been worked through.
Existential grief – Issues that we are dealing with now. That was hard, I feel sad how I handled that.
1) Say the words, “I made a mistake”
“I did not do that correctly”. Affirm the reality that you are hurting over this. Allow the sad feelings to come. It is difficult but critical. It clears out the pipes to allow for new opportunities for God’s healing, because it allows us to open up new areas of hope to move beyond the stuck place. We then must receive comfort and support. [Find a support system]
Key: “When we grieve by ourselves it will take twice as much time”. When we share our pain with others, they pour grace back into you and you will feel better sooner. “The function of tears is to let out toxins and poisons we do not need? Tears say, You don’t need this stuff, get rid of it. It is simialar to toxins in our life from the past.
“Who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God”. 2 Corinthians 1:4 (KJV)
2) Give up the idealization of what was lost
“I really would have dreamed for a very different life for my Prodigal.
3) Move on
Don’t stop living waiting for something to happen that may or may not. Pray.
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference”.
And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpillar, and the palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you. And ye shall eat in plenty, and be satisfied, and praise the name of the Lord your God that hath dealt wondrously with you: and my people shall never be ashamed. Joel 2:25-27.
He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Isaiah 53:3
Past Hurts Equals Present Pain
Pain can lead us towards bad places
False beliefs “I can’t make a mistake” or “I will be worthless”. I have to do everything to be valued.
Attempts to control our Pain
We feel our pain. We medicate our pain. We rationalize our pain.
We respond to pain on an emotional level, most commonly in terms of victimization, rage and depression.
We attempt to control our pain by medicating it such as alcohol, drug abuse, compulsive behavior related to sex, money, or relationships.
We respond by thinking we can “avoid the pain” if we don’t do anything to cause it. Perfectionism and Procrastination are two cognitive attempts to control pain by avoiding it.
Emotional responses to Pain
Intentional Shame - not believing our own self-worth, hence not developing skills that go with a belief in as worthiness.
Rage – Holding tank for accumulated fears, angers, humiliations, and shame.
Depression - Keep it hidden by avoiding people close enough or spending time around others who might recognize our depression and pervasive emptiness our depression is making.
Behavioral Response to Pain
Control – We hope to control the cause of the pain, as opposed to removing, releasing or even allowing it to heal.
Perfectionism – a belief that if a person is perfect, there will be no reason to be criticized; therefore no more cause for pain. However, perfection a shame-based phenomenon because no matter what we do, “it’s never good enough”.
Procrastination and Ambivalence – Starting a project or considering a project, but never initiating it to defend against further shame
Six Steps to Healing
Why would we do this? For those of us who dare to desire more of all that the Lord would have for us; who turn to a new cause for our lives, the process of healing longer renewed energy, new understanding and new hope. Healing is actively taking responsibility for how we live our life today.
Healing is being able to put the past behind us. Philippians 3:12-15
Healing is the process in which we develop skills we weren’t able to learn in the chaos. 1 Corinthians 13:11-13
Healing is no longer living a life based in fear or shame or failure dwelling on our addicted loved one.. 2 Corinthians 10:2-6
Healing is the process of learning to trust others and the Lord. Ephesians 2:8-10
Learning to Detach. The Success of Detachment is “When we can be Okay when everything else is not okay.”
Understanding the benefits of TRUST and Attachment. With trust comes the opportunity of intimacy and vulnerability become possible.
In Closing
It is very important that friends and family of addicts focus on taking care of themselves. To engage in self-care is difficult and takes practice; but ultimately, there is no lasting relief without it.
Practicing good self-care becomes essential for restoring emotional and physical health for entire the family. Dealing with active addiction creates a pattern of self-neglect that needs healing. Redirecting the focus back on what you need makes detachment possible because your energy is no longer spent solely on the addict.
[Practice boundaries] Unhealthy people draw other people into their dysfunction. Anyone trying to be married to, or parent, or cared for, or love someone who is harming themselves and others struggles with knowing what to do.
Rick J. Petronella, PhD MAC, CCS is the founder of Compass Consulting and Affiliates.